I left couples therapy. Here’s why.

Wolf and I have been in couples therapy for a couple of years now. He wanted us to go to help us, primarily and specifically, to improve our communication skills. I finally agreed and we set it up.

The therapist assigned to us is phenomenal. I assure you my decision is NO reflection upon her, at all. Quite the opposite, actually. I would have stood by my decision to remove myself from couples therapy one of the many times I have tried to over the past year and a half if our therapist was not as good as they are.

A couple of weeks, the grief and losses came to the forefront. It had been brewing, I think, for quite a few weeks. To boot, I did it to myself I think.

Nothing like having only yourself to blame!

Oomph, I say, part sarcasm, part painful truth.

I left for a few reasons.

  1. I have 45 minutes of individual psychotherapy* a week. However, with couples therapy I am in session anywhere from 45 to 90 minutes (one or two sessions) a week. I feel tired from working on my relationship more than I can improve the relationship with myself.
  2. If I cannot have a heathy relationship with myself, how can I have a healthy relationship with anyone else? This includes my life partner.
  3. In most ways, I feel as though my relationship has gotten worse. {Certainly that was not a goal!}
  4. Our communication, in my opinion, has not been better. Pinpointing more details regarding this point occurred within the past couple of days. Earlier this week, Wolf said to me, “I feel like I work my ass off and then keep working when I get home. I have been trying to pick up after myself ….” – Whoa, honey, ADHD or not, that is part of adulting! Oh boy was my initial thought, to be honest.
  5. Wolf, and I, struggle with memory recall. In different ways, yet, we are aware of this. For his part, he requested a “I need to understand …” request for our couples session last week. Fair. Most days the previous few weeks, he has come home in the evening and I am asleep, or, in bed, resting. Grief, I ascertained, is a BIG part of my bodily fiber these past few weeks.
  6. I am in a bad “TRIGGER Period” for me. What does that mean? In order: Mothers Day, May 22nd, May 24th (times 2) and June 10 (times 2) are all dates my biological and legal mother or father have destroyed in one way, shape or form.
  7. I am a work in progress. (Likely for the rest of my life; for two different reasons.)
  8. If adulting is a part of where Wolf needs to see what he can improve, then it may be best for me to take time to improve myself. {My therapist assigned me some radial homework this week – I need to think about how better we can use our time to support me. [Actually, she asked about she can support me. It is team work; it is “we” and “our” time. My first request is a referral for ADD evaluation. I wrote a post regarding this matter.]

These reasons are all valid, I have to remind myself of. {An update will come soon. I am actively trying to incorporate publishing one post a week.}

Interestingly enough, early this week was a disaster as I processed all of this. I decided to trust my intuition and stand by my decision (to remove myself from couples therapy for a while).

This is the field of Mental Health however, so I also coped with being without my medication for three (3) days. Why no meds for 3 days you may ask?

CVS deleted my prescription. My ongoing history with this med, on a routine basis, apparently allowed me to request a emergency three day supply until my provider was able to resubmit a prescription. OK.

But wait?

How much will three (3) days 0f a generic medication cost? I am on a fixed income, trying to repay my student loans, save up for a proper mattress, then a car, so I can return to work without needing transportation assistance. Further, a vehicle grants me a freedom I have rarely had since 2017/2018. {Multi-faceted reasons for another post.}

After that, I need to save up to start a social entrepreneurship. All this while working on advocacy for politicians and policies that support freedom, equality, embracing diversity and providing a Voice for the Voiceless, Marginalized, Underrepresented and Misunderstood Persons in this nation and in our global community.

https://wp.me/p4UUW1-2Gw

I trusted my intuition & felt it about the time the session would have ended.

Let’s see how I feel about this next week. Or, we’ll be engaging about whatever detours my plan.

Reader, I know Wolf and I. We shall see. I am laughing already.

Stay safe and stay strong,

R.

Truly, I just want to write

Letters advocating for person’s

White papers

For CPTSD Foundation as it provides a specific foci – healing from trauma

Ghost writer to tell the stories of those who cannot pen it themselves, for any of one litany of reasons. (My preferred style is we talk, I write in your voice, we edit, we post/publish. Further, I am searching for persons who cannot write, or read or both to document their stories. More to come regarding this soon.)

Blog posts

Topics

Mental health

Behavioral health

Trauma

Relational trauma

Language, communication, interpretation, perception, basics, a common basic dictionary,

These are some of my experiences, knowledge and passions are.

It feels quite good and anxious, both, to finally, simply, just say it.

A moment of feeling proud.

Being able to name it is one part of my posttraumatic growth.

Stay safe, please.

Be kind, please, to yourself and others.

Rusty

ADD, Nature and Nurture, C-PTSD

ADHD is Wolf’s primary diagnosis. We are becoming better versed with this. He is well-versed in it. I am working on it.

‘Doesn’t it make sense that Rusty has ADD given the following:

  • her father has not been formally diagnosed with ADHD. Yet he has the same classic symptoms I have, so it is logical he has it
  • a symptom of the BPD is taking on the traits of others – most challenged with time management & focus

I add to the list a few points for context:

Continue reading “ADD, Nature and Nurture, C-PTSD”

Clutter, Grieving and Memories

What do I keep?

Why do I keep it?

What is the purpose, want or need.

Where is the future need for it?

Really, do I need it? Or maybe, do I need it, still?

Honestly, I also think of the quote I recently read, posted on … regarding clutter

Reality is:

I can take a picture

I have the memory. Can be prompted by the picture.

I believe I kept, or will keep, as much as I need until I am ready. And it is little by little, then that is ok.

You ARE stronger than you may believe,

R-

What makes me a great nanny is what opens me up, or makes me prone to, drawing mommy issues. However, I am thinking and beginning to believe, especially when it IS diagnose – by a licensed mental health professional – developmental trauma, is it A part of healing?

Yesterday (Valentine’s Day 2022) A and E aired an episode regarding Playboy bumnies. A woman talking about her time on the “clean-up crew” said ‘I wanted to take them home, mother them, get them therapy and teach them you deserve better.’

That was my missing part

See, Readee, I had talked to, no, talked with myself and decided the mom parts were okay. When time began to return to in- patient hospitalization and I placed a boundary, problems began. In addition was MM ( the marijuana meltdown) she was not in good shape.

Combine the above with the following, when you are ready,

The car is being towed to a repair shop. This is based on all valid factors, even if thoroughly exaggerated.

Can I do it?

When? Where? How?

Maybe a team of house mothers . From hospital to home with a small family or group.

Move onto housing & reciprocating throughout the land (garden, greenhouse and campground. Not the bait shop.)

She noted to me “You are only empathic qnd compassionate when I am crying or passed out.”

I see where she gets that; I know it is not true. It is when I am actively engaging as mom.

I sit with her, I hold her hand. I rub her head. I speak softly when I say “a truth”.

Is it part of the surrogate parents I have had along the way?

Is this common?

Much to expand on Reader!

I am working slowly, yet every day I am closer to meeting my goal of being a blogger and freelance writer.

Be well!

R-

Let’s talk about

Mommy Issues

Yeah, those!

I endured both developmental and relational trauma from birth until I put physical space between us. (It snowballed downhill fast after I cut off contact with my biological parents.)

So, yeah, I have parent issues. The more you learn, the more you will, hopefully, will understand.

My second peer, whom I have had to distance myself from for a few months, in reliving her trauma with me showed her mother issues clearly. I know how this can work because we have each been diagnosed with CPTSD.

Reader, I hope you understand her story is not my story to tell. Suffice it to say, please,, we both have suffered developmental and relational traumas.

Back to the mommy issues. And in NO way am I referring to or including the flippant, colloquial or simply offensive offhand slang people seem to use.

First, let us remember our parents usually, are our first teachers. Sometimes an infant’s caregivers are other people. This is normal because this is what you know. Roughly until between age 3 to 5 in high percentage.

Second, teaching is by example also. So if you are being taught wrong, you will learn wrong. Yet remember, this is normal to you. This goes on until, usually, age 18 or so, when high school is over.

All of these add up and carry with you into adulthood.

If what you learned was physical, it was easier to see thus easier to be aware of how to hide or show the clear evidence. (A broadly easily written statement only as it pertains to this post.)

If what you learned is not easily seen, or worse, misunderstood and misdiagnosed, it can never, currently it seems decades is quite possible.

My peer is fortunate enough to have learned this and begun treatment before 30.

We are both examples of stories which include: trauma begets more trauma, failure to launch and in depths of pain and despair which few people can understand.

Where we differ is she has started and then fell off through NO Fault of her own (a car accident and she was the pedestrian) while that was the precipating incident to see the narcissistic traits and behaviors. Relational trauma left its harm before she could get out and severe contact.

I had thrived in many ways yet snowballed downhill while trying to repair and catch up with where I wanted, needed and thought I ought to be. Once I got there, in my thirties (forties), I had one career already. I simply couldn’t figure out what was happening to me at the time.

Oh, yeah, I did figure it out. Then trauma begot more trauma and toxicity. Over two years without a home, or homeless in a truck, and finally into safe, affordable housing. Even with this, recovering financially from the mistakes and COVID’s consequences, money is a struggle. However, every day we are closer to reaching our first financial goal.

As I am talking to my psychotherapist today, we explored what I said were “my mommy issues I had to bring into therapy today.”

Are they your mommy issues?, she asked.

“Yes, they are” led into a discussion leaving me understanding, no, they are not my “mommy issues” the way I thought.

More importantly, I resolved the issues with my mother. I am at peace with my decisions and have no regrets regarding it.

Will I tell her? Not directly. I will talk to her sister and have her speak with her sister regarding my final request with a brief explanation. Thus, if any attempt is made at her communication without going through the channel I requested, legal action will follow.

Even I recognize it may sound like a threat of a sort.

It is a fact. I will pursue a no-contact order.

As for how come, I am pondering writing her a letter. Maybe a post for my aunt to read and then we discuss.

Much to think about, Reader!

I believe in you,

Rusty xoxo

Disconnected is Surviving, Sometimes.

*** Trigger Warning ***

Mental health – symptoms and mechanisms – exist on a spectrum. This may seem strange. You may already know this. It is true!

Symptoms can vary in intensity – mild to severe. When a symptom impairs a person’s ability to go about their regular activities (weekly or daily), this indicates a problem. Think severe side of the spectrum.

The length of the time the symptom has existed (or, been noticed) is another indicator of impairment or hiccups in functioning.

Now, this is an OVERLY simple definition and “picture”, if you will, of symptoms. The main reason is because for this post I am focusing on one particular and specific symptom.

How come only one?

You must look at the bigger, or broader, picture of the person. Within this context, a mental health professional can help the client determine if the symptom is addressable at that time. Further, what coping mechanisms are at their disposal or can they access.

The exception, if any?

Two, specifically, apply to me and this post, in particular. [And it is worthy to note, I am NOT the only exception nor is this the sole symptom possible to fall in this category.]

For me, currently!, it is the symptom of disassociation. To a degree, I refer to it as, disconnected. Even, numbness.

You are enough!!!!

Rusty

Note: This was drafted in February 2021. Almost one year ago.

How lonely living with CPTSD can be

Until about October or November 2021, I had not met anyone else diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, in person.

There are groups and communities online where I found fellow survivors. Where they were in their journies varied differently. Heck, I have even heard from the naysayers and non-believers.

They are wonderful. There are some great resources out there also, online. In addition to the CPTSD workbook.I use, I learned and was able to get by. With my treatment team, I was able to grow.

BUT,

there are no local support groups for this. AA, NA and others have support groups. As they should!

Perhaps I am being unfair.

After all, CPTSD is recognized in the ICD 11 by WHO. The AMA, however, has not granted us such validity.

What about support groups for victims and survivors of relational trauma?

Nothing!

What about speciality care?

Nope.

Training?

Ah!

Awareness?

It was on me to explain. And I have. So has Wolf. It is still hard for many to grasp.

One day, by a fluke of timing, I met a fellow survivor.

For the past month, or so, I have aiding her. Now, she is in crisis and I am running an informal, unofficial peer respite.

How come?

Because if I do not, who will?

Because if I do not, where will she go when she needs de-esclating? For that matter, how many people can de-esclate a relational trauma survivor?

It takes time and patience. Mental health systems do NOT have the time or space.

A few try.

Most do not. If they are aware or care, I do not know.

I am aware. I live with it, every day, in my mind, body and soul.

I care. I live with it.

I do this because I see myself, not long ago. I do this because she has strengths. I do this because I have learned and researched for myself. I will do it day after day until she does not need it anymore.

I know how lonely living with relational trauma, unresolved and unprocessed, can turn into Complex Posr Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I know how lonely it can be once you know and then have to explain it to everyone else.

I remember how lonely it is.

In closing, I am not alone nor lonely anymore. Yet, I am also aware of how lonely it is.

I believe in you,

Rusty

It’s Christmas Eve, 2021. I’m Reflecting

Reflecting on what?

I do not know. Exactly. Or, specifically. Nor do I even know what my intent is in reflecting, at this moment at least.

The best I can feel is simply because I suspect Normalizing and Rescripting are prominent for me currently.

How does it feel?

  • Weird
  • Uncomfortable
  • Good(ish)
  • Positive
  • SCARY
  • Beautiful
  • Harrowing
  • Safe
  • Remorseful
  • Incomplete
  • Warm, Dry, and protected from weather properly
  • Happy
  • Cool(ish)
  • And, like dishes are a neverending nightmare!

One year ago, our reality looked, felt and, simply said, was VERY different.

Caveat: Worldwide, almost everyone’s reality was different. The pandemic and its myriad of negative consequences was fraying people’s last nerves and the President was unclear on direction and information.

(Political views are not the point of this at all. The above statement was meant to be diplomatic yet honest – it was a tough period of time.)

For us, frayed was not the word. As miserable as our circumstances were then, we were safest from the pandemic.

Let me explain.

Wolf and I were homeseeking still. Since April 29, 2019 we had been homeless. Being without a home before the pandemic was tough. For anyone! Being homeless during the pandemic was harder. It was near impossible to get resources and we were so afraid of severe weather that may have forced us out of the truck and into a shelter. By that time, we were more afraid because, being homeless and unemployed, even our doctor agreed – This was not the worst time to have social anxiety and be away from people.

Go figure, right?

Throughout 2021, my treatment team and I gauged my success as “not losing my sh*t on a daily basis”.

I have sustained the growth and expanded it. Much better emotionally regulated than earlier yet still struggling.

It takes time given the length and severity of my chronic abuse. It began before my birth really. During my mother’s pregnancy, it began for me and my mother.

If only she knew how much worse it would get, maybe she would have made a different decision. Left my father, left me for adoption or anything else except the path she took. It cost her our relationship in the end. After I severed all contact with my father. (They divorced in the 1990s.)

Further, I must consider the intergenerational trauma, prior traumas of my mother and the anger which seemed to flow, inherently somehow, from my maternal grandmother.

Additionally there is the searching for identity and what it means to me. What it includes and what I am unsure of. Knowledge will come in time, I hope.

I am a biracial person of color yet little was taught to me about my black heritage. Just another mistake, failure or inadequacy of my childhood.

This past year (2021) I dove a bit deeper into racism, identity – professionally also – and understanding more about trauma from other angles.

What have I gotten?

A lot of emotions and not a lot of answers. Insight? Yes.

That will have to be okay. After all, I am a writer. Writing is part of my process. Just as reading, learning and laughing are parts of me too.

Isn’t identity fluid actually?

Maybe there are not answers so much as responses based on the information you have up until that moment?

Most likely, no matter what, I will write about it. Maybe even publish it.

Until I can post again,

Rusty

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