Rusty & Wolf 2019

Taxes, aargh!!!

Dear Diary,

Three times I have gone into my account to complete this task. Three times, unsuccessfully.

Next, I lock myself out of one account. Okay. Until I found out I have to wait for my temporary password to arrive via United States Postal Mail! In my area, the mail is a mess for most items in mid-December. Most being mailed in January 2021 seems to be on track, mostly.

It is hard enough to live in the truck. So hard, we knew, it has been a discussion in couples therapy.

2021 arrived!

Not only has the year arrived, it seemed to slide in like an old quote I remember.

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
By Hunter S. Thompson

The first two weeks of 2021 were like “… skidding in broadside”. Let me explain.

Wolf and I both struggle during the holidays. For different reasons. We both live with depression so, there is that, to contend with. Depression during the holidays is far more common than the average person is aware of. As functional depression is misunderstood, even misdiagnosed, as much as it is, we are acutely aware of how it can hinder and impair while being, dismissed or not tolerated by others. Many simply stay away. In this pandemic, it may have been easier or harder for a person to do that.

For us, it was our first holiday together. Yes, alone, yet freer in ways. For me, likely, more so.

The only pride I take in it is my growth and progress. Nothing else.

More details on how I ended 2020 freer than ever will come in other posts. For now, let us return to slidding into 2021.

Finances are being dealt with differently. In other words, the best we can. Actively and intentionally. This is far different than in previous years for me. I stopped running away, developed enough strength to push past my fear and faced them. The rewards paid off by the first week when I learned my student loan consolidation application was approved. The payments are fair and reasonable, given my circumstances.

Then, we each received our stimulus payments. We made decisions about what to do with our money, individually, to achieve the goals we need.

Awesome! Progress. Breaking old patterns of working this way yet not including the mutually joint conversation on the next steps.

I am feeling good. Empowered and afraid. A wee bit, wacky feeling too. Something is off. Me? How? I feel like, well, I am learning where to use my supports, balancing yet, ….

To be continued in tomorrow’s post, Titled “Two Precipatiting Events”

Rest well, even you cannot sleep, rest, it is a worthy runner-up to sleep. R-

Behavioral Health Care Manager

Both Wolf and I work with a behavioral health manager, through a local chapter of a multi-faceted social service organization.

We are grateful! We are a great fit and becoming a better team all of the time.

Our manager works with us as a couple. Legally, because we are not married, this means we are defined as two single individuals. Duplicate paperwork and apparently not a priority either.

I recommend a care, or case, manager to help as a part of your support team and as a resource. He has access to funds we would not is one example. (Let’s keep our fingers crossed we are approved for some assistance!)

They tailor needs and fits at intake for maximum success. Yes, we put our work in where and the best we can. He also helps us prioritize at times. Other times, he obtains information or passes along paperwork. Even printing for us when need be!

Without our care manager’s assistance with trying to find housing, I am unsure of where we would be in the process. As hard as it is, it is not quite as tough as hell when you can talk openly and honestly about barriers in and with the system. The commiseration and understanding of the pain in long waits, when the world is NOT in a pandemic was wonderful. This time, it is exceptional.

If you are navigating mental health, housing or social services, I highly recommend researching your local nonprofits and connecting with a good fit if you can find one.

Other places you might be able to find one, or a referral, is your health insurance company, therapist or 211 (in the U.S.).

Be well, Reader!

I will be writing more, again! See you soon, Rusty-

A Life of Neglect, 3

December 20, 2020 I took notes of a conversation Wolf & I had. The notes prompted this post.

Wolf’s life, was much like my brother’s, I believe. Full of neglect. Whereas, mine was full of overprotectiveness, extensive control and lacking unhealthy boundaries. autonomy. Yet, even I cannot begin to imagine being “…grateful, to a degree, for my uncle, who forced me to meet bullying” with my fists.

Whoa? What!

Yes, the punctuation is intentional. I was floored. Curious also. (Is that wrong? Maybe.)

I feel compelled to place a caveat here. There is no matter of wrong or right when it comes to a person’s feelings. Feelings are valid, personal and individual. How we respond or react to our feeling(s) is where right and wrong can come in.

I listened and asked a few questions to attempt to grasp an understanding of the context of Why???.

December 25, 2020

Dear Diary,

It is Christmas Day. We are in the truck with nowhere to go. Same as most days.

Our abusers are in their houses living well. They have no concerns. They were not the ones who left and they believe they have done no wrong.

We cannot go to a shelter because of my impaired interpersonal skills and more. Yet they celebrate with no concerns.

The system is flawed! Clearly. The victims need to leave while the abusers stay.

For me, I grew up with family all around for the holidays. They used to be my favorite memories.

Not anymore.

Now, this year, today, actually, it is enough.

It was more than enough. (With Hulu, that is!!!)

Be well, Reader!

Goodbye 2020!!!!

I have taken a couple of days off from my diary. Last week, with Christmas, was tough. The toughest holiday I have had in over twenty years. Not because, again, the woman who is my mother, denied me access to her. Again.

Yes. Her second husband does not like sharing anything with her children or her family. Most years I was not welcome as it was only to be her and him. Nice parenting, huh?

This year, I had no worries or concerns or even thoughts of wanting to be with her. After all, I made it clear a few months ago, I never want to hear from her ever again.

Christmas 2020

This Christmas was the first time it was Wolf and mine. No one else’s.

By this I mean: my mother could not hurt me by lying about how come, or who, did not want us; Wolf nor I had to deal with my father’s dizzying nonsense which ALWAYS left me spinning and feeling, well, inept at everything; and Wolf did NOT have to be tormented by both his father’s severe depression and the wallowing of not having his wife around while crying to every human who tried to be kind or nice.

Wolf still struggled some, as it was his mother’s favorite holiday. Yet, we had, and have, each other.

Heavens knows, this year of all years, we are so very grateful for being able to have each other.

As we end 2020 and enter 2021, still in the pandemic, I am taking a different view.

At least I am prepared for the pandemic!

Stay safe! Celebrate smartly, please! Be well, Reader.

Rusty

N.Y. isn’t a Housing First State. We know!

We are two of its victims.

Yes, I wrote victims.

Because we, as are the underrepresented numbers of others, are victims.

We were before the global pandemic. We are during it. (Honestly, at this moment, I cannot see an end to the pandemic, never mind the homeless and homeseeking populations.) Add in those who are bad home situations yet, financially, cannot afford to move elsewhere, and I shudder to think what portion of the population it becomes.

Housing First …

Showering: Luxury or Right?

Taking a shower is what I am talking about. Yes, a shower. Water from a faucet to keep yourself clean.

Is the feeling of being clean, hygienically speaking, a luxury for those who have a place to live?

Having a place to live does not automatically mean you are able and capable to pay your bills. It may not even be your home. Yet, if you are able to take a shower once a day, or every other day, then you are lucky. In my opinion, of course.

As I right this, I am waiting for my number to be called.

A number to take a shower?

Yes, Wolf and I shower at truck stops. Thankfully there are truck stops and we can use them.

Prior to the pandemic, we were able to grab a shower here or there. Sometimes we used the truck stop.

Last winter/spring, we went thirty (30) days without a shower. It was horrendous! It felt degrading and demoralizing. And we each felt FILTHY! For more than one reason. Likely, no shock.

Showering is a basic right we take for granted, if we have access to it. AND, you have never had to go without it.

I know. I used to also.

Be well! -R.

A life of neglect, 2

December 4, 2020 is the date of this reflection or insight from Wolf.

Satisfy. Do. Easily absorbed. Fixer.

Prone to be manipulated. Yet, so confused. Apple and stones was the example he used.

Apple pie. Yes. Stonewall. Yes. Wall out of apples? No yet he will try like heck anyway.

Maybe, not knowing when to stop or walk away from, “Fake it until you make it.”

Mental thinking is bad for him. He learned how to be a chess player to survive. He grew up feeling like a “leper” once he was transferred to a special education school (second or third grade), then diagnosed with ADHD and medicated with Ritalin.

Romper Room and Ritalin in the 1970s.

Context, Reader. Remember the context.

A life of neglect

This is Wolf’s story. The main part, shall we say.

Wolf and I often struggle to grasp the other’s trauma for one primary reason. Whereas I spent way, way too much time with my father, Wolf was neglected, even forgotten.

I have heard only a few of the stories and they are enough to curdle my stomach. Likely yours also.

Individually each story is horrible, horrific or both. When you see a pattern, it becomes abhorrent. In my opinion. To his parents, it was okay. To Wolf, it sure as HELL was not okay.

Is it this simple? No! There are factors such as his diagnosis of ADHD, entering Special Education classes at another school, then attending Special Education in his own district, to name a few.

CONTEXT is critical here.

He entered Special Education in the 1970s when it was disgustingly referred to as Romper Room. His intelligence is above average so he finishes his work in minutes and then is so bored, due to disinterest, he is everywhere except in his seat.

(I love him to death! Honestly & truly. Yet, the truth is, this still happens! Sitting still is nearly impossible unless he is rapt with attention, interest or focus. Then, hyper focus can come in. Yup, its tough!)

Wolf graduated high school, from an alternative high school, as a result of his parents and his school districts inability to meet his needs.

Who or what, perhaps include “and” have fault, blame, responsibility and where?

Is it any better today?

So many other questions. Information to be filled in. As in therapy, it is not each moment. It is the moments we remember, or that resurface from memory. It is always including CONTEXT. (I cannot stress context enough!!!!) So much so, I will be writing a post about context that includes the most profound example, using both Wolf and my brother’s education as an example.

As for Wolf, I will continue to tell his story. The titles will be A Life of Neglect, and numerical order.

I must give a special “Thank You” to Wolf and our couples therapist, individually and both, who help me see the differences, the context, in our trauma and how they impact our relationship while neither has given up on me. (I totally admit – That ain’t easy with me!!!!)

Be well!

Stay safe!