Rusty & Wolf 2019

Feelings of …

Shame. Embarrassment. Humiliation.

Yes, these ugly and uncomfortable emotions. I have twenty-five plus years living with these emotions or feelings. They suck! Truly, I mean that.

I personally have lived with these feelings for decades. It is odd to be aware of them yet not Consumed by them. Where I have been consumed is in taking steps to stop the long-term consequences of these feelings. To become aware some people will accept it while others will not.

November 2020

The month was interesting, enlightening and, I daresay, informative. I could not have expected it. Our treatment team did. They pointed it out as one of our strengths. An odd one, if I may say.

The first posts will briefly summarize the transformative season I, in particular, had, before this month. This information will help set a base for what you will read about in this diary blog. After all, it all does connect together as you will learn.

For now, let me leave a list of topics which will come up throughout this diary.

Trigger warnings

Being stalked, feeling stalked, cyber use to help, flying monkeys to try
Abuse (financial, psychological, emotional, physical, sexual, bullying, coercion, control and more)
Systems of social services, Family Court, law enforcement, the law, housing and more

Feelings, emotions and words unsaid. (I tend to say things most people won’t. It is not for shock or entertainment; it is reality or truth, NO matter how cold it may be.)
I believe in advocacy and empowerment.
When trauma is involved, nothing seems normal. It is all fear, pain, grief, suffering, confusion and anger. Shame, humiliation and despair can be rampant.
Our plights are ours to handle, deal with and overcome. As is our pain and mistakes.
Fault, blame and responsibility are convoluted for me. Terrible sometimes; understandable at others. Whereas I need and seek to understand the roles of people, myself included, Wolf sees it as “parts” people have in it. [The language we bring to it differs and says much about our perspectives.]

This is a sampling of the topics to be covered, alluded to, examples given or talked about. Any combination of these as well. This is, after all, just another revision in my story. One I am choosing with cognitive wherewithal and, of course, Hope!

Be well Reader!

Thank you!

Where next?

This is a constant question we have! For a few reasons.

We are homeless and have been since April 29, 2019. Still.
We have been enduring abuse and trauma since the summer of 2017. Stalker.
We are in a global pandemic where social distancing and wearing a face mask are too much for some people and small sacrifices for the greater good to others. Society.

“Where next?” applies to 23 hours of the day for me. If it’s not about a physical location then it’s about my cognitive abilities at each moment.

Rough stuff?

One thousand percent!!!

Be well!

Thank you, Reader, for stopping by and reading!

My First Blog Post

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

Our introduction

Helping ourselves is nowhere near as easy it may seem to others. For a variety of reasons!

Let me explain with what I have recently learned was, for myself, at least, the KEY component to being able to describe how I can NOW help myself better than I have in years.

Cognitive functioning impairments and hindrances!

To put it a different way, and to quote our couples therapist, I “lacked the wherewithal” to do more and in a timelier manner.

Your reaction (feeling, response, thought, etc.) may vary among too many to list here. Yet, I want to point out that this is my reality. Hence, my diary. Yet, my reality is not intended to inflict my pain on you or to hurt you in any way (Trigger warning throughout this site, I note again.) Rather, sharing my reality is sharing my experiences – past, present and future. Same as yours is your story, mine is my story.

The point is, my story is a choice for me to write and a choice for you to read. Each person’s experiences, how they are able to handle and cope with them vary from unhealthy through healthy, lowest to highest, intensity, etc. Yet, they can change! For better or worse, each person is married to their mind, brain and body. No matter what we do, unresolved PAIN will find its way to the surface. The question is – How will it present itself? Same with anger. And trauma. As well as grief.

I have kept journals on and off for almost thirty years. Some are on a hard drive. The past five years or so, are on paper and in our storage unit waiting to see light again. Or, even, me!

Why did I choose to journal, in the form of an online diary, this time? A few reasons.

One reason is services. Currently, Wolf and I are working with a few organizations, on different matters. Securing safe housing, student loans, domestic abuse related matters and a few others. Unlike the previous few years, I am able to keep focus, motivation AND complete tasks. This is an easy place to drop, or vent, as I need to. Thoughts, reflections and insight too can be noted here!

Another reason involves the expectation of less structure. As a diary, it can be anything. As a journal – for me – it is a little bit of everything. Further, it helps me organize my thoughts, release my feelings and not place Wolf, mostly, in distress. [More will be written about this throughout the diary.]

A third reason is the type of abuse I endured, through out my life was losing my voice. See, I was heard. Then I was told what was best, how come and, to top it off, my noncompliance left me feeling demoralized by my primary abuser. Here, my voice is mine. It cannot be taken from me. At least not the diary part.

Most of all, it is off-the-cuff, or on the fly. Pieces, bits, or parts of me as I am. Real-time or close to it. Minimal filter.

Raw, real truth from an aspiring activist in relational trauma healing and treatment.

Thank you, Reader!

Be well!