Rusty & Wolf 2019

5 days into 2022

And it has been a whirlwind.

An unexpected crisis this afternoon.

An unexpected death of a dear friend of my boyfriend and I. For Wolf, he was a second father in some ways.

COVID struck close to home. We are careful, always; we are more concerned and vigilant of distance. His parents believed it was okay for him to visit for a few minutes. It DID NOT work.

Wolf has a point, even I am admitting. We were safer before we came here.

Let me explain.

Now, we have housing. Grateful is an understatement since from April 29, 2019 through July 12, 2021 Wolf and I were homeless … or

Without a permanent home
Without a permanent address
Living off grid
Homeseeking
Without shelter
Without adequate shelter
Without appropriate shelter
Not in a shelter nor in a home

Language matters. Words matter. So does audience, intent, context and subjectivity/objectivity. Words are language. I love words, language and writing.

Writing for different audiences using varied context to pair properly with the stakeholders end goal appropriately considered.

For right now, though, the point is we were living in Wolf’s truck, on a campground, at a friend’s home a few days a week or rest areas. This meant we had minimal contact with people. Our doctors agreed with us when we said, ‘Yea, truck sucks. Shelter is not an option as we can survive. Right now is NOT the worst time to be limited exposure to people.’ They were NOT happy yet they respected the irony in our situation. Additionally with my social anxiety Wolf went in only and was eligible for early hours as I was not. It worked while it had to and we try to continue anyway.

However, home is an apartment building. We are NOT the only ones.

In closing 2021, I was focusing on a DBT skill quite appropriate here also.

Both can be true.

I can love my home, enjoy my neighbors and still be terrified of COVID.

I can have anxiety and maybe it will be a bit above average. It is ok not to be okay.

I can be both grateful for having this problem yet concerned Wolf just might sleep in the truck. Tonight.

We are strong individually and getting stronger as a couple. However, and thankfully, when we are up against odds or threats as a couple, we work together and support each other. Fact.

I “say” fact to remind myself it is one of our strengths. It has been since we left the second to last abusive environment.

Entering 2022 this way and having read some impactful and motivating blog posts the past few days, writing more is what I want to do. And what I need to do. For myself, my healing and all of my fellow warriors.

For all the stakeholders we need and the cohorts I hope to help build and connect with.

Hoping to post again soon,

Rusty

My 30 Day Challenge, Day 3

Phew, this has been a heavy week. And it shows no signs of letting up in the next few days. I know I am already behind and I am actively trying to write once a day!

However, I am writing now!

Score for me!

I am grateful that even though I fell off, I stood up and tried again. From where I left off.

For now, that is somewhat misleading as I am still exploring this writing thing. That is not entirely true, actually, as I am thinking about it now. I am exploring a different area of writing here. Personal writinng and grouping of topics. Whereas I am used to academic writing, personal letters and diary or journal entries. In addition, I am seeking to be a freelance blogger, writer, maybe even small transcriptions, while I chart my next major goal out.

What is “the next major goal”, Reader, you may be asking yourself?

I am not quite sure, yet. I am tweaking some parts with Wolf. And the current pandemic in addition to two high profile cases being ligated currently. As I have an interest in macro level social work and social justice, overall, in addition to being a participate in our society the best ways I can.

“in addition to being a participate in our society the best ways I can.” was intentionally put in here for a specific reason. Lived experience in trauma and living experience with a few mental health disorders: multiple anxities, a neuropsychiatric disorder and a personality disorder. In summary, what nature provided, nurture ensured it came to exist and be a problem for everyone.

I have a phenomenal trweatment team. In no way is my lack of better growth a reflection of them. Actually, I have grown to this because of them.

Life, however, gets in everyone’s way at times. Particuraly inadequate systems, terrible and antiquated institutions, stone age like equipment, etc.

Albeit, my growth is fragile, still, in some ways, my team has discussed my reflections and thoughts on what is the best work for me to return to work with. Writing!

So, here I am trying wihtouth being to hard on myself. A challenging task. Standing up and trying again. COntinuing to search for a good fit for me. (Not an easy feat currently given the amount of people quitting their jobs in record numbers right now. Yet, there are no part-time positions in my search parameters.)

Tough it is.

Writing is my passion. Education is a top value of mine. I TRULY believe it is NEVER to late for a person to attend college. For the first time OR as a returning student. Careers are important also. Passion for yours is vital. The world is redefining itself, rapidly. Society in the United States is being changed dramatically both by the pandemic as well as the shift in Gen Z and Millenials.

In this author’s humble opinion, technology has its limits. In my space, it has too!

With that, I will sign off this post. Day 4’s post, hopefully, will explore my identity and personality more.

Stay safe,

R-, MSW

Inclusivity in The Rock Climbing Community

Episode 310
Inclusivity in The Rock Climbing Community

Admittedly, I have not thought about diversity and inclusivity within communities, such as this one, The Rock Climbing Community.

For me, as a self-defined eclectic, social worker have been focused on systems and institutions. And yes, they are important and in need of, well, realistically, a heck of a lot more than diversity and inclusivity. As for diversity and inclusivity within them, there are multiple levels needing to be addressed.

Yet, what about the other communities in our life? They are just as important.

Aren’t they?

In this author’s humble opinion, YES, it is as important.

Using the rock climbing community as an example, it is important. And what they learned was so interesting, they have a podcast regarding it.

So, Reader, although the closes I will probably get to Rock Climbing is the post I read (linked above), the greater lesson, maybe point, is this:

Diversity and Inclusivity is a topic not one person or community or cohort can avoid to ignore anymore. Please, start a conversation and look at what we can do, what you can do and ask every community or cohort you belong to the same question.

What can we do to be as diverse and inclusive as possible?

As for me, I am going to continue to explore my thoughts and feelings on my own identity and where I can be an agent of change too.

Stay safe,

R-, MSW

My 30 Day Challenge, Day 2

Off to a good start, I am.

What to write about, today?

I have consistently read and heard – Just write. It is the practice and the habit of writing one really is seeking.

True, I guess.

So I will write about what I have been thinking about.

Last night, I went to see a heavy metal concert at a local venue.

I had a GREAT time!!!! That is saying a lot coming from me in this instance, in particular.

Let me explain

First, anything past about 1994 Metallica is not my genre Heavy Metal. Respectfully. Personal choice is all.

Second, I live with anxieties, (including social anxiety), PTSD, Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. This could go very badly for those of you of understand these neurological and cognitive parameters.

Third, I went with Wolf and a friend of ours. We splurged for birthday (October) and Christmas. The particular reason we asked him was because the lead singer of one of last night’s acts is one of Wolf’s oldest and dearest friends, who our friend is a fan of.

Fourth, I have NEVER gone to one of their concerts before. I have never been able to interact with him because of his intensity and anger.

Wouldn’t you know?

Yes, I had a great time. I forgot to put me ear plugs in and it was ok!

I admitted, his friend is talented and even a bit gifted. In addition, his charisma on stage is wonderful. Further, I hugged him at the end of the night and told him great show. We also purchased a t-shirt, cd and patch to support him and his band.

As for Wolf, his friend was SO happy Wolf was there! A few friends of theirs came to the show to see both of them!!! It made me so happy to see Wolf like that. They are good people too. I see their bonds despite time and distance. Bonds that will NOT break. A rarity it seems so often in this world we live in today.

Yet, I know it hurt Wolf that it took a third person to get me to go. I will live with that mistake and I will keep trying my best.

Last, surely not least, we even became a fan of another band!

You matter, everyday!

Writing is tough

As a person who loves words, ideas and writing, I seem to struggle greatly with ACTUALLY writing.

I know I am not alone in this.

How do I conquer this?

Great question and one I do not yet have an answer for.

I do have thoughts, excuses, reasons and, well, probably somewhere in all of that is the truths.

As I tend to be a rip the band-aid type of person, I will simply start listing.

While home seeking, we lived in the truck or stayed at campgrounds. Not exactly a place where I was comfortable using the tablet. (Dirt, temperatures, signal issues, lack of wifi, to name a few.) Couldn’t use the phone usually (lack of wifi or no signal once we had some mobile data.)
I don’t have anything I need when the feeling of needing to write comes over me. By the time I do, the thoughts are gone. Often, not found again.
Motivation while living with a lengthy history of abuse (and different types of abuse) and learning to cope and manage with four mental health disorders plays whack-a-mole with that. Frequently. In bad ways and, occasionally, in good ones.
FEAR.
Feelings of shame, guilt, humiliation and embarrassment.
Unworthiness and wondering if anything I have to say is worth much or if I can organize my thoughts, coherently.
Being reminded of every mistake and failure when it comes to writing: false starts, falling off routine and more.
Focus struggles. Money is always in need yet its seems even needing it isn’t enough to conquer the focus or motivation or fear.
Laziness
What is the point? Apparently needing to write as a tool, hobby, passion and more is not enough for me to conquer it for me.

Next step is?

Actually, I have two next steps.

First, I am actively seeking a part-time writing position. Freelance is fine. For the time being, I am trying to do it without a website. I am hoping to have a website within the next 3 to 6 months.

I am really trying to push past the fear. Or at least some of it. I have reflected, thought and talked with my treatment team regarding possible jobs and best fits for me.

A website will also help me keep my focus on generating income. (I would say the blog also, however, my track record to date is, well, less than stellar on the posting part.

That, brings me to my second goal. My own 30 day challenge!

It is quite simple, too.

I need to post once a day for thirty days straight.

Theoretically, I can do this. I know I can. Can I ACTUALLY make the commitment?

Yes. I have committed to this goal.

Can I do it?

Well, Reader, I quess we will find out soon!

Yikes 😬

Rusty

On the road, wandering, again.

The Moratorium on Housing is Unfair

The eviction moratorium in New York, although much needed for some, is being misused by many. Again, not everyone.

There is a population being left out and I am one of them.

Who are we?

We are the people who are being denied housing because I need housing assistance. Supportive housing, nonetheless!!!

The article I read was published January 21, 2021 by the New York Daily News.

As of the day of this post, there is nothing addressing the plights for those of us who have been on waitlists for months, and in one case, over a year, to hear from our case managers, “Unfortunately, it has become harder for anyone receiving DSS assistance to secure housing.”

How come?

The reasons are in the article.

I wonder, What help is there for us who can pay and will pay?

Waiting, waiting and waiting.

And hoping by the time this is over any landlord will take a risk again.

If you, too, find this unfair, please, speak out. On social media platforms, to your politicians, to one another.

The more attention to include solutions for us also is as imperative as it is for the landlords and those TRULY and ACTUALLY in need of these protections.

Stay safe, Be kind and Be well,

The link to the article https://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/new-york-elections-government/ny-eviction-moratorium-covid-landlords-tenants-foreclosure-20210111-ubph4grdcjd65actdujugfoydu-story.html

Who has the right? Or am I in the wrong!

Finally, I have stopped lying to myself, with the supportive challenge “it” assistance from my therapist.

What lie is this one?

The one where I believed my shame, humiliation, self-stigma, self-loathing and pain are the primary reason I struggle with talking to my aunt.

Stagnation, Stagnant and Me

Dear Diary,

Clearly today is not my best mood. The weather is amazingly beautiful today. (I admit, given the number of storms we have had recently, this does NOT take require a lot. Sunny and few, if any clouds. And in the 30s!!!!!)

Yet, I cannot go out to enjoy it. We are stuck in a 100% quagmire.

It has lead to isolation; almost completely immobilizing our already limited travel ability; heightened sensitivity and awareness, both; even more easily reactive and triggered, to and from Wolf and I; grating on one another’s nerves occasionally, no small feat either when you have been together for

three (3) months,

seven (7) days a week,

about 23 (twenty three) hours a day.

Straight.

We are each, and both, at our wits ends!!!

Just sayin….

Cabin Fever when one lacks housing

Does not look the same as when it is in a home.

We live in his truck. It is a small space. The storms this month have often spread over 24 hours. As I write this, we are at the tail end of a storm which graced us for almost 48 hours.

Again.

Yet my therapist is impressed at how well I look and how I am coping and managing. She is not one to “hand out praise lightly” is true. In no way is it harmful or hurtful. She urges me to be uncomfortable, in my safe space and to honour all that comes with it.

I know by doing this – the uncomfortable shit – I am reaching the side of a me I want to be, with an unfortunate sad history yet a force of activism, advocacy and trailblazing with others to build better hopeful opportunities for victims and survivors to transform their pain and darkness struggles to feel safe.

Then, and only then, can healing and thriving be thought of and discussed with broader implications of the complexities of long-term maintenance and management. Relapses are hurdles.

Knowing you can return to the safe space is as powerful and priceless as it has empowerment within. A symbiotic approach and relationship to relational trauma and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Injury.

Here is to beginning a different way to think, understand and be a survivor.